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 My Newest Short Story

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Shadow-Vampire
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Birthday : 1993-11-04
Join date : 2009-10-31
Age : 25
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PostSubject: My Newest Short Story   Tue Nov 17, 2009 10:25 pm

Name of Story:
Epidemic


Story Line Description:
These Group of Friends go on a Trip to England and do
a Road trip all over England, then when they get back to their Home in
Canada they find out about A Pandemic Virus that has occured and killed
hundreds while they were all on a Road Trip, The next Few Days they
Start to see the real turn about this Virus and that it was much more
Deadly then Explained, they learn to team up and set aside their
differences in order to survive while they have been Quarantined into
Staying with the Virus that has Turned out to become an Epidemic.


Actual Story:
It was November 12, 2009. I was unpacking all
my things from the trip I just got back from, I went to Manchester,
England with my friends *Person 1*, *Person 2*, *Person 3*,
*Person 4*, *Person 5*, *Person 6*, *Person 7*, *Person 8*, and eventually caught up with *Person 9* in Newcastle, to go on a long road trip all over England. When we
got
back i turned on the Television and it just so happened to be on the
news. The station put out a huge warning about a pandemic, it was hour
72 of the pandemic and [CNN] found out that the entire world has been
infected and doctors and scientists alike now believe it is a new
airborn virus though nothing has been confirmed.


The
day the virus was spreading the most potently, was when we were
travelling on our road trip, so we hadn't noticed the virus or it's
severity. I logged onto msn messenger to tell all my friends that had
been on the Road trip in England with me so that they knew. As it turns
out
*Person 3*'s Mom and *Person 2*'s little Brother
had been infected. Currently all over Canada there are a total of 371
deaths from this unknown contagen. I quickly ran downstairs to my room
mate,
*Person 1*. [Gender] had light, long brown hair, dark brown eyes, and liked to wear bright preppy clothing.

*Person 1* asked, "Is there anyone we know that has the virus?"
I replied, "Two people that I'm aware of, other that, not that i know."

Please Give any Suggestions to this part, or even
a possible Suggestion to be upcoming. I have put no Names of the
people, as they are people i know in real life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Last edited by Shadow-Vampire on Wed Nov 18, 2009 4:55 pm; edited 1 time in total
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GrinningGremlin
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PostSubject: Re: My Newest Short Story   Wed Nov 18, 2009 2:24 am

Shadow-Vampire wrote:

Actual Story:
It was November 12, 2009. I was unpacking all
my things from the trip I just got back from, I went to Manchester,
England with my friends *Person 1*, *Person 2*, *Person 3*,
*Person 4*, *Person 5*, *Person 6*, *Person 7*, *Person 8*, and eventually caught up with *Person 9* in Newcastle, to go on a long road trip all over England. When we
got back i turned on the Television and it just so happened to be on the news. The station put out a huge warning about a pandemic, it was hour 72 of the pandemic and [CNN] found out that the entire world has been infected and doctors and scientists alike now believe it is a new airborn virus though nothing has been confirmed.


The day the virus was spreading the most potently, was when we were travelling on our road trip, so we hadn't noticed the virus or it's severity. I logged onto msn messenger to tell all my friends that had been on the Road trip in England with me so that they knew. As it turns out *Person 3*'s Mom and *Person 2*'s little Brother had been infected. Currently all over Canada there are a total of 371 deaths from this unknown contagen. I quickly ran downstairs to my room mate, *Person 1*. [Gender] had light, long brown hair, dark brown eyes, and liked to wear bright preppy clothing.

*Person 1* asked, "Is there anyone we know that has the virus?"
I replied, "Two people that I'm aware of, other that, not that i know."


Some quick editting. I've probably missed a few more things as I havn't been sleeping well lately and my focus is lost. Grammar isn't perfect and some sentences need to be reworded to make proper sense.

A few things I noticed is your lack of adjectives, I've added a few such as "I quickly ran down the stairs". They add more depth and flavor to a story with out costing a lot of words. Adding "Quickly" or "worriedly" ( etc) to how you do something gives a much larger perspective of how the character feels and reacts.

I noted that you like to use words repeatedly and editted out some of them and reworded it. If you compare my revised version of your story to your own you'll see what I mean. Using Character names, Gender, and Location names etc too often gets boring and is sometimes a headache to read. Keep that in mind as most english teachers and proffesional editors will agree with me on this.

Try using synonyms for words instead of repeating them a thousand times over. A thesaurus is a good start for this. You don't need a large variety, or words that people will understand but try to change up your wording a bit.

"Jessica is a quick girl. She saw her friend Amy and quickly ran to try to catch up to her as quick as possible so they could have a quick chat before they parted ways"

"Jessica is a quick girl. She saw her friend Amy and hurriedlly ran to try to catch up to her as soon as possible so they could have a short chat before they parted ways."

See the difference in those two paragraphs? Nothing fancy just a few words used instead of "quick". Makes for a more interesting read and easier to keep place while reading because a word isn't repeated mutliple times in a short space.

Your idea for the story is pretty solid and you could take it anywhere you want really. Maybe establish the group that isn't infected and have them meet up. While trying to find more out about the virus they start to see people around them (in the town/ city etc) get infected and things become increasingly paniced. Eventually figure out what the contagen is. Does it make Zombies? Killer mutated beings? Does it cause people to go insane? Or just make them sick and we need a cure?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a long enough time line the life expectancy of everyone falls to zero.
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Shadow-Vampire
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PostSubject: Re: My Newest Short Story   Wed Nov 18, 2009 4:54 pm

GrinningGremlin wrote:
Shadow-Vampire wrote:

Actual Story:
It was November 12, 2009. I was unpacking all
my things from the trip I just got back from, I went to Manchester,
England with my friends *Person 1*, *Person 2*, *Person 3*,
*Person 4*, *Person 5*, *Person 6*, *Person 7*, *Person 8*, and eventually caught up with *Person 9* in Newcastle, to go on a long road trip all over England. When we
got back i turned on the Television and it just so happened to be on the news. The station put out a huge warning about a pandemic, it was hour 72 of the pandemic and [CNN] found out that the entire world has been infected and doctors and scientists alike now believe it is a new airborn virus though nothing has been confirmed.


The day the virus was spreading the most potently, was when we were travelling on our road trip, so we hadn't noticed the virus or it's severity. I logged onto msn messenger to tell all my friends that had been on the Road trip in England with me so that they knew. As it turns out *Person 3*'s Mom and *Person 2*'s little Brother had been infected. Currently all over Canada there are a total of 371 deaths from this unknown contagen. I quickly ran downstairs to my room mate, *Person 1*. [Gender] had light, long brown hair, dark brown eyes, and liked to wear bright preppy clothing.

*Person 1* asked, "Is there anyone we know that has the virus?"
I replied, "Two people that I'm aware of, other that, not that i know."


Some quick editting. I've probably missed a few more things as I havn't been sleeping well lately and my focus is lost. Grammar isn't perfect and some sentences need to be reworded to make proper sense.

A few things I noticed is your lack of adjectives, I've added a few such as "I quickly ran down the stairs". They add more depth and flavor to a story with out costing a lot of words. Adding "Quickly" or "worriedly" ( etc) to how you do something gives a much larger perspective of how the character feels and reacts.

I noted that you like to use words repeatedly and editted out some of them and reworded it. If you compare my revised version of your story to your own you'll see what I mean. Using Character names, Gender, and Location names etc too often gets boring and is sometimes a headache to read. Keep that in mind as most english teachers and proffesional editors will agree with me on this.

Try using synonyms for words instead of repeating them a thousand times over. A thesaurus is a good start for this. You don't need a large variety, or words that people will understand but try to change up your wording a bit.

"Jessica is a quick girl. She saw her friend Amy and quickly ran to try to catch up to her as quick as possible so they could have a quick chat before they parted ways"

"Jessica is a quick girl. She saw her friend Amy and hurriedlly ran to try to catch up to her as soon as possible so they could have a short chat before they parted ways."

See the difference in those two paragraphs? Nothing fancy just a few words used instead of "quick". Makes for a more interesting read and easier to keep place while reading because a word isn't repeated mutliple times in a short space.

Your idea for the story is pretty solid and you could take it anywhere you want really. Maybe establish the group that isn't infected and have them meet up. While trying to find more out about the virus they start to see people around them (in the town/ city etc) get infected and things become increasingly paniced. Eventually figure out what the contagen is. Does it make Zombies? Killer mutated beings? Does it cause people to go insane? Or just make them sick and we need a cure?

I have sorta been thinking towards Zombie like beings that eventually rise after Day 5 of the Infection, and Light, Sound, and Movement Irritates them to Bite and kill or eat.

and i like your idea, i was just getting the Basic beginning quickly and then doing edits and all after, but i will stick with your edit in the beginning.

The people's names would be replaced with He, She, him, her, along those lines unless Switching between Characters.

Thank-you for the Suggestions and the Edits, i will be Putting your Edits up in the Top Post to allow others to read it as your own suggestion for now, as that is what i am going with so that people do not re-suggest over the same thing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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vanish
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PostSubject: Re: My Newest Short Story   Wed Nov 18, 2009 8:55 pm

Shadow-Vampire

Great stroy, it is very realsitic and very good.. i thouroughly enjoyed reading it and hopw you post some more soon.

Keep writing, you great at it

Vanish

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vanish
Let me vanish in the wind and be free like I have always dreamed
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